The Story Of My Very First Post

It all began when I couldn't sleep anymore, no matter how much I tried.

Thank god it's Saturday! I don't have to worry about getting my work started. Who am I kidding though? I only worked one day this week, on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I had started feeling chronically disinterested in everything. Life felt pretty much pointless, I did not have any motivation to work or even do anything fun.

Could that be the doing of my hormones? Possibly? I was on my period. Or maybe that's just an excuse. Who knows. But trust me this time it was bad. I did have a degree of physical pain, which I know is very normal on those days. However, in no time it became more of mental thing than physical.

I started questioning my life and it's purpose. I am 30, so probably it's just late quarter life crisis. I decided to take Tuesday off, sick leave, to give myself some rest. I was mostly in bed reflecting on my life and what needs to change. The day ended. I didn't get anything done. And came another day, a working day and guess what? I took a day off again.  I had mild back pain which spread down my legs making it very weak.

By afternoon, nothing hurt, but nothing felt alright. I was just scrolling my Instagram page and an idea to create a website popped in my head, not that this had occurred the first time. I've had this thought a million times, but execution has always been a problem. I continued switching between Instagram and YouTube. I watched a few YouTube videos on quarter life crisis. I came across a TEDx "Life Crisis? Start a Business" by Bailey Richert. It was somewhat inspiring, but that's beyond me right now.  

But, I forced myself to move to my desk from the bed. I watched some videos on how to create a website and for started immediately. And somehow this time, I successfully created a website with not much idea on what I would post, though I knew vaguely it would be travel related.

Creating the website made me feel a little better about myself, like reaching a mini milestone. At this point, the website was blank or just say had dummy content. I had only successfully setup the technical stuff, you know deciding what platform to use, creating an account, getting a domain name and linking that up. I felt the joy of creating something when I typed the name of my website on the browser and the page actually ran. It took a few attempts, some frustration and beating myself up for not being able to troubleshoot "404 not found". But yay, I figured it out eventually.

There was a pinch of pride, but again disappointment slowly started taking over since I didn't know what to do next. What do I post? The idea wasn't to really make it professional, but just to use the tool to document my journey so I have something to look at and track my growth.

My head was bombarding with ideas, but they lacked structure like always. I was like oh I could write about my life, my interests, the books that I have read or the places I have visited. But soon realized who would ever want to read about it? There's so much content on the internet already. And do I really have anything solid to present? Anything that can help others? I was really caught up between wanting to be useful to others and being able to tell my story. After all, what was the purpose of it all, it surely takes a lot of time to produce something. While writing helps organize my thoughts and probably understanding myself a little better, realizing that nobody would be interested to read it is still disheartening. After hours of reflections, ruminations, attempts to find inspirations from other blogs, influencers and motivators, I still had nothing. Finally, I convinced myself that I just needed to get started, rest will follow. Maybe just write a basic intro, literally throw in some words saying who you are and put up some pictures. And that's all I did.

And there I was. By end of the day I had a functional website. Very basic. But something is always better than nothing. I don't think I lack ideas, that's not always a problem, but to organize them into something readable is a challenge. The day ended, blues began. Though I was distracted for most of the part, the reality was I still had a 9-5 job to show up the following day. Not surprising, I just pinged my manager saying "hey looks like I may need to take off for two more days". And that's it. I did not even officially put request through the portal for sick leave as I am supposed to. I do feel a little guilty about it, but I would argue I wasn't completely lying. I was mentally not fit to work. I was relieved after sending that message. My part of informing was done. Now I had another 48 hours to myself.

I wasn't intentionally taking off from my job to work on the website to be honest, I just felt so low that I had no energy to deal with the ever flooding emails and meetings. So, I just chose to take a break. I am yet to check my email, next week is going to be brutal for sure.

Having so much time in hand, I thought I could plan my upcoming months. The only exciting thing in my life right now is travel. I feel stuck otherwise. I moved to the US for my masters and currently my Green Card is under process, limiting my international travel and ability to switch jobs. So, I really needed something else apart from my work to keep me going. And  I figured travelling keeps me sane. Past two years have been tough on everyone and made us realize how we shouldn't be taking things for granted and allow ourselves to do what we like more often that leaving it for later. So, yeah I have decided to travel more often.

Since I cannot switch jobs, I requested for a permanent remote work, so I could at least explore the states. After all it is a beautiful country with so much to see. I have decided to visit all the 63 national parks, I have visited 11 so far.

It maybe a little exhausting with 5 days work and to manage the travels, but I have no doubt being in nature will be worth it. And if I am able to find good travel companion, like minded and with similar goals, it might make things even better.  

So what am I exactly planning? With 9-5 job, it's not possible for me to be on the road everyday. For my lifestyle, city hopping is the best option, maybe now I can call myself a digital nomad. I think I don't like staying in one place for a very long time and also not for too little. Maybe a month in a city sounds like a sweet spot for me. With constant move, I don't want to feel that I am always rushed and be counter productive. I like taking it slow, feeling it, soaking in it for a bit. Just doing the day to day stuff for enough amount of time to form a bond with the place. Watching the sun rise and set and going for walks, exploring local shops, art and museums, farmers market, lakes and mountains basically whatever available and possible. That's my style. I don't mind missing some of the most touristy places, but the idea is to feel the vibe and feel alive documenting my journey.

I don't think I want to be teaching anyone anything, but just sharing my experience. I will feel accomplished if I can reach people who can resonate with me or maybe feel inspired to put their thoughts into action. There's not much to lose anyway, but at least the possibility of building a life we think is worth living. Life can easily seem pointless if we don't allow ourselves to do what we like, what makes us happy.

As I typed almost 1500 words, I feel much calmer and relieved. Like the prisoned-thoughts have been set free now. Not sure why they were prisoned, probably fear of uncertainty, judgement or just not being ideal. But the only way to do it right is to set one free. Set yourself free and watch your ideas fly high.

Here you go, just like that my first post has birthed, more will follow. Each will have its own soul. Raw or refined, every single one will have something from my heart.

Alright, time for a walk. I walk and encourage you all to walk too.